The One Where I Learned to Trust.
Trust has been a major topic for me. I find it oddly easy to trust other people to a certain extent, although easily with my life when I am happy to hop on the back of their scooter. Me, however? I didn't trust ME to ride a scooter.
So, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Why the hell can't I do this, I asked myself. The answer? There is absolutely no reason I cannot. So I did.
My first couple of forays were up and down my little street - to the beach, parking, reversing out with my feet, avoiding dogs. Then I decided I was ready for the big trip to the next town over and set out on a Sunday afternoon with a friend.
We went past the super busy market and I didn't like it. There was too much traffic and too many people and too many cars. And this is what I was thinking of when we got to the tiny little turn to go over the shortcut and the wall kept getting closer and rather than slowing down my bike ran right into the wall only coming to a stop thanks to the concrete bollard.
What the hell happened, my friend shouted.
I dunno. I ran into the wall.
I was a little shaken, with no real logical way of explaining how I had managed to accelerate when I was thinking, Brake! I need to stop. I was pretty sure I was braking. But I wasn't stopping.
I got back on the bike, we set off again, and I got a little freaked out by all the cars on the skinny road, especially now that I was sure I had no idea how to stop the bike and that I would panic.
So, we turned around, determined to take it easy, pull over when it got a little hairy and make it home alive.
This was all well and good, until I pulled over to take it easy because it was hairy, and accelerated again, stopping inches from a giant hole.
That's it, I thought. I'm not doing this right now. I'll come back later.
And I did and everything was fine. And it was fine the next couple of times and I knew I was good.
I set off a few days later, feeling pretty confident again. Even though there was a lot of traffic. So, rather than make a U-turn, I decided to pull into the parking area across the oncoming traffic, reverse out and then carry on my way back home after I'd run my errands.
Traffic stopped, a taxi directly in front of me blocking my turn, and when he moved forward the bikes and cars behind waited to let me go. I slowly eased across the lane and into the parking area and continued not stopping and going right into the 2 parked bikes, nearly crashing them over.
What the actual hell??? How did I not stop??? Was I stressed? A little, but it didn't make sense that it would have thrown me off so much that I plowed into parked vehicles. Was it sandy? A little. But then again, everything here is sandy so it didn't make sense that I'd slid into the bikes.
What I did know is that for a third time in a week I'd not been able to stop, and for the second time I'd hit something. And for at least the third time, I was lucky I'd been going slow.
I got my bike facing the right direction and practically drifted home, going just fast enough to keep the bike upright. Kids and old people could have walked faster than me.
I got to my little alleyway, which is also a tight turn, aced it, drifted down towards home, and THE BIKE SPED UP! My hand was nowhere near the throttle. This was the bike's own doing!
My initial thought was, See! It's NOT me! It's the bike! Look people, and I mean, all you people who have seen me crash, it's the bike! The bike made me do it!
In some ways, this was true. There was a fault with the bike.
But does this mean it was the bike's fault that I crashed?
It was my fault. Entirely.
Had I trusted myself, I would have thought it was odd the first time I was propelled into the wall [and walked away with only a bruised knee]. Had I trusted myself and my ability, I would have had the bike looked at and fixed, and would never have put myself into the situation where I rode around for a few more days on a knowingly faulty bike, putting myself and others at risk.
Yet, my initial reaction had been to assume that I was lacking in skill, incapable of something that most people can do. And to pass the blame and responsibility.
My initial reaction was to give in to fear - fear of not being successful led me to not trust myself, which in turn led me to assume it was my fault I didn't stop, which led to me not taking personal responsibility.
Had I trusted myself, I would have spoken up, said something about the bike, and made a smarter decision about riding it. In fact, I would not have ridden that particular bike in the first place.
What did I learn from The Incident With the Accelerating Bike?
~ That when I think I've done something well or right, I have.
~ That when something doesn't feel right, it isn't.
~ That I am capable and strong and responsible. And while I have always thought this, there is a difference between thinking and KNOWING.
Fear continues to hold us back - those deep-rooted subconscious beliefs we have become our truths if we let them. It's our responsibility - to ourselves and everyone around us - to address them so that we can be the best versions of ourselves. My commitment to myself and to others - take personal responsibility, face my fears and trust myself.
Are you ready to take the next step and design the life you want? Drop me a line at info@YourCompassWithin.co and book a 45-minute complimentary connection call, or visit my website to see what I can do for you and to hear more of my story. www.YourCompassWithin.co